This has nothing to do with the current adventure. It’s a little side thing I wanted to write*
Plot: The players have been hired by the Church of Desna to find a trio of bandits named The Mudder Brothers. The three had attacked a small shrine and corrupted it, allowing it to be overrun by goblins. The characters defeated the goblins and found that the shrine was a two way teleporter connected to another, hidden, shrine on the other side of the world. The Brothers had taken over that shrine, hidden in Rahadoum, as well. Before the players decided to press their attack, they were told not to take anything in the second shrine as everything was trapped against looters. The characters fought through the orcs that held the shrine and triumphantly killed the orcish leader. They found clues that the Brothers now have a map, one that was hidden in this second shrine, to another lost Densa temple near the Mwangi Expanse. They also found hints that the Brothers are working towards a larger mission. After getting a small reward from the elder caretaker of the hidden shrine, the players did some shopping, hired a ship in the small Rahadoumi port and got ready to head for the pirate city of Port Peril, chasing the Brothers before they finished their mission. All characters have just reached level three.
Player 1: Chris- Character: Rexal the noble fighter. Human male. Chris is bored with his character and has decided to “liven things up” by giving Rexal a family curse that has “driven him crazy”.
Player 2: Matt- Character: Decker the universal wizard. Android Male. Matt really wanted to play Shadowrun but got roped into Pathfinder instead. He’s still playing like a Runner, though. Last adventure, Decker looted the shrine while the other characters were busy, earning him a powerful magic robe but the robes were actually cursed, something he found out when he put them on. He also got a bunch of scrolls but, because the curse has affected his ability to cast magic, he’s stuck holding onto them.
Player 3: Josh- Character: Myrius the Paladin. Dwarf male. This is Josh’s first time playing and he really wants to be a fantasy hero. He’s trying hard but has to cope with the other players.
Player 4: Dave- Character: Ferik the brawler. Sulis male. Dave is the class clown of the group who use to play when he “was a kid” but has been pulled into this game by his wife, Rachel.
Player 5: Dan- Character: Ryroris the Infernal Sorceress. Tiefling female. Dan isn’t really taking any of this seriously and is trying to just have a laugh by gender swapping.
Player 6: Rachel- Character: Marconi the burglar. Halfling male. Having just watched a Grease/ Wise Guy marathon, she made a “greaser” halfling from “Da Shire”. Is trying to work on her Brooklyn accent while she plays.
DM: Mike. He wrote this adventure for 4 players and now has 6 to contend with so he’s constantly trying to keep everything balanced but this group has, so far, breezed through most of the encounters.
Mike: Okay, let’s recap. You’ve left that little town pretty fast after cleansing the shrine to Desna…
Dan: Yeah, really fast. One might say “Suspiciously fast”.
Matt: Well, we finished what we had do to and we got the information we needed. We really had no reason to stay.
Dan: I know, but you were literally like “Job done. Got to go” to that old guy.
Matt: I was eager to get going. We still have to catch up to the bad guys.
Rachel: “Da Mudder Brothers.”
Mike: Yes, the Mudder Brother. Who you now know were behind the desecrations. And left behind clues which has lead you onto this ship heading for Port Peril.
Dave: So we’re on the boat? My character is out on the deck sunning herself while wearing a skimpy bikini. Is there medieval bikini’s? Bet they’re made out of deer skin or something. How are the sailors taking it?
Mike: Umm…. Well, your character is certainly distracting, Dan.
Dave: She rubs oil over herself a lot. (in a falsetto) “Hey Marconi? Can you get my back for me? Tee hee”
Chris: It’s so disturbing to listen to a grown man talk like this…
Rachel: My character is all nervous and is all like: “Yeah, yeah babe. Uh, one second, right.” Then he runs and gets some oil to put on her.
Dave: While hiding his boner.
Rachel: Yes, while hiding a massive halfling boner.
Mike: Okay. You are all on the ship, The Nimble Shot, as you head into the tropical lands called The Shackles. This place is a notorious pirate kingdom ruled by the dread Hurricane King Kerdak Bonefist. As you get closer you see, raging in the distance, the perpetual storm called The Eye of Abendego.
Josh: I ask the captain how long it will take to get to this port.
Mike: Port Peril? The captain, a grizzled old sea dog, tells you three days or so. As long as they steer clear of any trouble.
Josh: Pirate troubles?
Mike: Not for this captain. He’s running under a Sargavian flag, so the sanctioned pirates, The Free Captains, don’t bother him. But The Shackles are famous for having any number of problems, monsters and the like, that can crop up. Also, the captain thanks you for what you did at the shrine. “Those folks have been through a lot, what with the Rahadoumi Cleric Hunters coming through all the time looking for religious types,” he says, “It’s good to see someone step up and put in a good deed for Desna.”
Josh: I thank him. “It was nothing,” I say and leave him to his work.
Matt: When I get a chance to get the captain alone, I’m going to approach him. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”
Matt: “You know this area pretty well, right?”
Mike: “Yep. Sailed it most my life.”
Matt: “Our party is short a cleric. I was wondering if you knew of any near by that we could talk to?”
Mike: “To go adventuring with you?”
Matt: “No, no. Just to do some healing.”
Mike: Let me look at the books here. Okay, he tells you that there is two that he knows of. One is a druid. A powerful one, named The Master of The Gales…
Dan: That’s his name?
Mike: That’s what it says. And he has a kraken as a pet.
Rachel: A kraken? Does Keira Knightley hang out there? (Doing a Keira Knightley impression) “Johnny? Johnny darling. Have you seen my breasts? They seem to be missing.”
Mike: She is not there, I’m afraid.
Matt: Druid isn’t going to cut it, is it?
Mike: Sorry, no.
Matt: And the other one?
Mike: Let’s see what it says… Okay, he tells you that there is a cleric of Besmara on this island here (points to small dot on map). Named Ozzi Albus. And he’s pretty powerful. Not as big as Master of the Gales, but pretty much exactly what you need.
Josh: What’s does that mean?
Matt: Don’t worry about it. How long would it take to do a side trip to this place? (Reads) “Marid’s Rock”?
Mike: It’ll add a day, let’s say.
Matt: Okay guys. I need to go to this island and talk to this Ozzi character.
Rachel: Yeah, why? “You needz a healer for somethin?”
Matt: No, I just want to check this out, just in case. Besides, I need to ask this guy something.
Matt: It’s personal.
Mike: Okay, the captain changes course and sails to the island. You’ll get there the next afternoon. As you approach it, you see a line of tall statues doting a cliff face, all of them the same.
Chris: What do they look like?
Mike: Let’s see. They all look like statues of a smiling halfling. But each statue is, like, 80 ft tall.
Chris: God, this adventure is weird. Okay, before we get to the island, my character is going to do something. Remember that orc’s head I said I kept?
Mike: The one from the shrine, yes. It’s a little ripe from being in the bag but you still have it.
Chris: Okay, I said I was buying a helmet with a really long spike on the top? Right? It’s written down.
Chris: I put the orc’s head on the spike and I wear it.
Mike: Do you clean it, at least?
Chris: No. I think my character is losing his mind and this is a good way to show it. He just walks out of his room wear this head and smiles at everyone with, like, orc blood oozing down his helmet.
Dan: Wow. I ask, “Do you know there is an orc’s head above your own head?”
Chris: “Yes. He’s my friend. He tells me stuff.”
Dan: “Okay. Cool. Talk to you later”. And I look at Ryropus…
Dave: It’s Ryroris. Not Rip-roar-us or what ever you said. Ryroris. Like “clitoris”. Jeez.
Rachel: Yeah, jeez.
Dan: You know what? I say nothing and just walk away.
Matt: Does the captain know where to find this guy?
Mike: He tells you the guy is a pirate so the best bet is to look in the bar. The boat pulls into a harbour that is (rolls) empty of ships. A single flat bottom skiff guides your boat up to the dock and the crew ties it off. You look out and see a small village that kind of surrounds an old fort that the pirates here have refurbished.
Josh: As a dwarf, can I tell anything about the fort?
Mike: It’s an old Cheliaxian fort. Strong walls and places for siege equipment. You see a couple of catapults dotted about.
Dave: I guess we go look for the bar. Ryroris wears her standard tunic and dress. The tan one that shows off her cleavage. If it’s one thing pirates like, it’s tits.
Matt: I guess we are all looking for this bar…
Mike: It’s pretty easy to find. Unlike the last place you were in, these people have their religion out in the open and this bar seems to be part drinking establishment, part temple. There is a lot of little shrines around the outside of it. All different religions too. Including some that you wouldn’t normally see out in the open like this. That’s when you notice that there is some of charau-ka just milling about with the other citizens.
Matt: Monkey people. They like to worship jungle demons and the like.
Josh: So there is shrines to demons around this bar?
Mike: Shrines to all sorts of gods. Good and Evil. Seems pretty open minded about these sorts of things. The sign above the door says “The God’s Rest”. Josh, as the dwarf and the paladin, you also notice that the building use to be an old church to Aroden that the pirates have converted.
Josh: Is that a problem?
Mike: To you? No. Aroden’s dead, see. And most of his former temples were taken over by Iomedea. Looks like Besmara claimed this one. It might be seen as disrespectful to some people.
Josh: Okay. I guess we go inside.
Mike: Okay. It a bar alright. Cheaply built tables and chairs. The smell of cheap booze. A couple of the locals are sitting around drinking. They see you come in but don’t give you much mind. You notice that there is symbols on the walls to a few Gods. Nethys, Cayden Cailean, Shelyn and, of course, the huge skull and cross bones of Besmara behind the bar, which a stout looking woman is tending.
Chris: I sit down and order a drink.
Matt: I find the darkest corner and sit there. I open up my laptop and try to blend in.
Dave: With a laptop in a pirate bar? Real subtle.
Matt: Hey. It is just a cheap Dell.
Mike: Okay. What are the rest of you doing?
Josh: I guess I ask the bartender if she’s seen this Ozzi.
Dan: I hang out near Myrius.
Rachel: Marconi slips into the shadows and keeps a look out.
Dave: And Ryroris adjusts her cleavage in front of all of the men. (rolls) An 11. With my modifier that’s a 15. Are they all staring at her?
Mike: Sure Dan. Your milkshake has brought all the boys to the yard. Okay. The woman behind the bar serves Rexal the ale but doesn’t take her eyes off the severed head he’s sporting. She tells you that, in a surprisingly low pitched voice, “Ozzi might be around. Who’s asking?”
Josh: I tell her we need a healer and we heard that this guy might be able to help.
Mike: The woman shrugs, tells you she’ll go get him and walks into the back.
Rachel: While she’s gone, I steal the til.
Mike: Make a roll. People are watching.
Josh: Don’t steal the til.
Rachel: Too late. (rolls) Natural twenty!
Mike: Okay, you find the lock box and get inside and clean it out. You get (rolls) 19 GP.
Rachel: That’s it?
Mike: It’s a small village. What are you expecting?
Rachel: Fair. I put it back and slip out.
Mike: Fine. The woman returns and she brings the cleric with her. Let’s see his description. He’s young…
Chris: How young?
Mike: Says “around seventeen or eighteen”.
Dan: That is young.
Rachel: My character is only nineteen.
Mike: Let’s see. He’s thin and his head is shaved bald with a long braided strand of hair down his back.
Dan: How emo alternative. Does he have eyeliner too?
Mike: No eyeliner. Does say he has a bunch of tattoos on his forearms. Oh, and he’s missing his left hand. Just has a hook.
Dan: “What a shitty healer you are.”
Mike: Do you actually say that to him?
Dan: Oh yeah. “What kind of healer is missing a hand?”
Mike: (rolls) The cleric is unimpressed.
I don’t know what happened. The last thing I remember is drinking with Ryrun and Idoki and Renza. The next thing I know, Carla’s pouring water on me. I must of passed out trying to open an ale keg in the back or something because I was apparently just cuddling one like a baby back there. She told me there was a paladin looking for me and I though she meant Ryrun’s first mate so I stagger out still cover in dirt and my own drool. I hope it was my own! I was so hung over that I couldn’t even see straight. I come out and I run head long into this group of fucking assholes. There was this dwarf just standing there with this symbol to some dwarven God and he’s got this tiefling hooker flapping her tits around. Then this mealy mouthed chump steps up and just lays into me before I even say “hello”.
Mike: He asks what you want or did you just wake him up to insult him?
Dan: “Oh. Did we interrupt nap time?”
Chris: My character looks at the cleric and says how he wants to dance in the boy’s guts. Then realizes he said that out loud and hurriedly goes back to drinking.
Mike: (rolls) The cleric is still unimpressed.
I tried to talk to these guys and the mouthy one just keeps on me for some reason. I don’t know what the fuck his problem was. Then this fucking nutter sitting at the bar pipes up about wanting to kill me and he’s got a fucking severed orc head spike to his helmet. I mean, the smell! And the flies! Even the dwarf was looking at him like he’d lost his fucking mind.
Mike: He looks at you, Chris, then to you, Josh, and whispers, “Is that the patient? Because I don’t think I can heal that.”
Matt: My character closes his laptop with a click and stands up, flourishing his coat while he does. “No,” he says, “I am.”
Mike: (rolls) The cleric remains unimpressed.
I was thinking the nut was possessed or something and they need an exorcism but then this weird looking dude stands up all important like and claims that he’s the one who needs my help. He’s got all of these strange looking tattoos over his face and I’m thinking he’s some sort of tech-wizard or something.
Mike: And seems to be keeping his back to the backdoor. You think it might be to make a quick get away. “What’s the problem?” He asks.
Dan: God, this guy just keeps getting better and better. Incompetent and chicken.
Matt: “I seemed to of pick up something and I need some help getting over it. I heard that you might be the guy to help.”
Mike: “Who told you that?”
Matt: “That’s unimportant. What is important is I need to know if you can help me or not.”
Mike: He tells you that he’ll have to cast a few spells and ask some questions. Is that okay with you?
Matt: I tell him that’s fine.
Mike: Okay. He casts a detect magic and looks you over. “You’ve got Spellblight. And a secondary curse that blocks it from being cured.”
Matt: “I fucking know all that, you fucking idiot cunt. Can you fix it?”
Mike: Do you actually say that to him?
Matt: “Sorry. This has me under some pressure.”
Mike: (rolls) The cleric is…
Dan: Let me guess… “Unimpressed”?
Mike: Well, he is.
I ask what the guy’s problem is and he refuses to tell me. So I cast a couple of spells and look the guy over and tell him what’s wrong with him. And he goes and fucking lips me off. And the fucking mouthy one is just snorting at me like he’s about to throw up. I’m trying to figure out where he picked this up and he’s not saying, which is getting me real nervous. I don’t know if this is something we need to worry about, you know. That’s when it dawns on me that everybody’s ditched me. I have no idea where the Admiral is and I’m not sure that, if I cast a Sending, that these jerks won’t just try and kill me. And there is just too many people just standing around the place for me to start throwing spells around. So I try to play it cool and hope that, if shit goes down, I can get them somewhere I can lay down some real fire without killing too many bystanders, you know. Or burning the bar down.
Mike: Anyways, he says he can heal it but it’ll cost you.
Matt: How much?
Mike: Normally, it would be about 330 for the Remove Curse and 660 for the Heal. But this guy isn’t exactly motivated to help you. What with the name calling and all.
Dave: Ryroris adjusts her cleavage and leans in to him and asks if there is anything she can do to change his mind. Shows just a bit of nipple. Not too much, just a little.
Matt: I’ve been meaning to ask. Does she have like little cherry nipples or are they…?
Dave: No, the aureola is like a silver dollar. Just huge. Easier to show off that way.
Mike: Umm…. Roll Diplomacy? It’ll be against his Sense Motive.
Dave: (rolls) An 8. Plus my Charisma mod, that’s a 12. How much of a boner is that?
Mike: (Rolls) The cleric is not impressed.
Then the tiefling shoves her sweaty purple tits in my face. I mean, like yanks one out and puts it right up to my chin. My mind just goes out the window for a second. What kind of paladin pimps for a tiefling? What worse, Sandara and I haven’t been able to spend too much time together because of Harrigan and it’s been difficult. The last thing I need is for her to hear that I’ve been getting rough with some devilspawn and here she is playing with herself right in front of me in the middle of the fucking bar. I’m sure everyone found it funny but I was pissed. What worse, she’s right up to me and now these people are starting to surround me.
Mike: He looks at your horns and says something like “I’ve got enough woman problems without you, thanks.”
Dave: So you’re saying the guy is gay.
Dan: Well, he is a kid on a pirate ship. Probably takes it up the poop deck every night, if you know what I’m saying. Might explain why he is so tired. Sucking too much pirate cock the night before.
Rachel: I say, “Hey. If you help us out, then maybe we’z can help youz out in the future, ya know. Wash our back and we might wash yourz?”
Dan: Is Marconi going to show him some nip as well?
Mike: (rolls) The cleric didn’t realize you were there and is a little startled when you start talking. Roll diplomacy.
Rachel: Is that based on Charisma? Because I have a negative mod there?
Mike: Afraid so.
Rachel: (rolls) a thirteen, so a twelve.
Mike: (rolls) The cleric remains unimpressed.
Then this fucking halfling steps up out of nowhere. Fucking scares the fuck out of me. Starts talking but I could barely make out what he was saying because he’s got this accent that’s just a nightmare. Kept talking around this little cigar he was puffing on. He was going on about bathing with me, I think. Now I was almost totally surrounded with this halfling on one side and the tiefling on the other. I was getting real nervous and tried to signal Carla to get some help and kept stalling until someone shows up.
Mike: He tells you that, if you want his help, you got to pay him up front like everyone else. And you might want to sweeten the deal because he is not willing to help as things stand.
Josh: Do we even have 990 GP? And what’s this curse all about?
Matt: It’s not important. I just need it removed. And now this little prick isn’t playing ball. Okay, I have an idea. I pull out the robes.
Dan: What robes?
Matt: It’s just something I found.
Dan: Where? Where did you find them?
Rachel: “Yeah. You been holding’ out on us?”
Matt: “No, I haven’t been ’holdin’’ out. I just… found them.”
Chris: Wait. Is that from the shrine?
Mike: Are you saying any of this out loud?
Matt: Oh, god no.
Josh: We were told not to take anything from that place. That everything was trapped. What did you do?
Dan: When we were fighting those orcs and you drank that potion of invisibility and just disappeared…
Dave: He fucking went back and looted the place. Even though we all agreed not to because we thought it was trapped.
Matt: This isn’t what it looks like.
Dan: Really? Because it looks like you rob the people we were trying to help and got cursed. And now you need our help to get un-cursed.
Matt: And a bang up job you guys are doing so far.
Dan: It’s not our fault you went to the biggest loser you could find.
Rachel: And you were going to hold out on us too.
Matt: Look, we can discuss this later. Right now I just need to get this shit removed so I can get my spell casting abilities back.
Dan: That’s the curse? That’s hilarious. The wizard can’t cast magic. That makes you almost as worthless as this cleric.
Mike: Okay, you have the robes. What are you doing?
Matt: I tell him that these robes are very valuable. And it looks that way under a Detect Magic, right?
Mike: Yes. They appear to be Robes of Useful Items.
Matt: Okay. I tell him I’ll trade him the robes for the healing.
Mike: You’re going to have to roll a Bluff against his Sense Motive.
Matt: Really? Even though they look valuable?
Dave: Can we assist?
Mike: He gets a chance to see through your ruse. And everyone can assist, if they think their character would go along with this. He will get a penalty because he is greedy.
Chris: (rolls) I don’t help.
Rachel: (rolls) Oh, I do. Even with my penalty.
Dave: (rolls) I help easily.
Dan: (rolls) Same.
Josh: I’m not going to help. This is wrong.
Matt: (Rolls) I get a seventeen. With all the help that’s 23.
Mike: (rolls) Okay. He’ll take the robes in exchange for the healing.
At this point it’s pretty obvious that these guys don’t have the money to pay for the healing and they aren’t willing to try and trade. The wizard dude whips out this bundle and says they’re some expensive robes or something. I give them a once over with a Detect Magic spell and, sure enough, they look pretty powerful. Then his friends all start bickering. They’re all asking where he found them and the like and he’s trying to shut them up. I use the little distraction to give everyone a once over with the detect spell. You know, get an idea of what I’m dealing with. And I figure out pretty quickly that they’re pretty light on the magic gear, you know. So now I’m wondering why this wizard isn’t wearing the robes, if they’re that powerful. I mean, it looks like he was holding out on his friends but still doesn’t really make sense. Then they all start telling me what a good deal this is, even though they didn’t even know about these robes until just a second ago. And the paladin is just shaking his head and keeping his mouth shut, even though crazy head dude is gibbering at me.
Matt: So how much change are we looking at?
Matt: Well, the robes are worth 3500 GP and the healing is only 990. And I only need to offer him a bit extra, so he owes us money.
Then the wizard starts telling me I owe him money. They fucking walk in here, wake me up, start name calling and then expect me to give them money for privilege? Fuck these people.
Mike: He says “No” and gives them back to you.
Matt: Fine. What a fucking cheapskate.
Dan: Wait. He isn’t going to give us anything?
Mike: No. He seems to think that you’ve insulted him enough that this should cover it.
Dan: Okay. I call him a “Fudge packing, whiny, ugly, crippled little douche bag and his momma sucks dick and his daddy touched him funny. And he liked it.” Then I say “Okay. Now we’re even.” (Mimes mic drop) Just like that. I say, “Now we’re even.”
Mike: (rolls) The cleric is unimpressed.
When the wizard tells me to keep the change, I knew that this was fucked. These guys are broke and he’s just giving up the money for a couple of spells? Yeah, right. Then Mouthy just goes off on me. Starts ranting about what a cunt I am. Counting off all these insults like he’s keeping some sort of tally. Couldn’t help but notice that he’s hidden behind his buddies, you know.
Dan: Like I care what this little fucker thinks. I hate guys like this.
Chris: Hey, umm… How hard would it be to get close to this guy?
Mike: Well, seeing as you’re 6’6”, wearing banded mail and have an orc’s head stapled to your helmet, I’d say you’re not the stealthiest person. And the bar has had some more patrons enter since this exchange started. Looks like it’s drawn the village watch. You see some armed pirates watching you.
Chris: Okay. Just let me know if there is an opening.
Mike: Will do.
Then the nutter starts getting all twitchy. Started standing then sitting back down. Eyeing me up like he’s going to start swinging. Luckily Aspar came in with a couple of the boys because I was sure that guy was going start something. Poor Aspar took one look at him and sure didn’t want to start anything himself. Problem was, now there was even more people cramped in here so I sure couldn’t start laying out magic. I wasn’t even sure I could drawn my rapier, you know.
Mike: Okay. Do you want the cleric to cast the spells or not?
P2: Fuck me. Okay. Fine. I let the fucktard do it. Fucking little cunt.
Mike: Okay, he removes the curse and heals the damage. You can now use magic again. But you will have to re-memorize your spells. You don’t have them right now.
Matt: Fine. I leave.
Dave: Good idea. I don’t want to be here when he puts those on.
Rachel: “Good idea, doll. Let’s scram”.
Chris: I’m going to wait until until the cleric’s back is to me, then I’m going to charge and kill him.
Mike: The watchmen are talking to him right now and he’s doesn’t look like he’s going to be turning his back to you.
Josh: What are you doing? I grab Rexal and I pull him out.
Chris: Jeez. Ruin all my fun.
Dan: As I leave, I turn around and look at the little prick and say “Pleasure doing business with ya”. Just like that. “Pleasure doing business”. Then I leave.
Mike: Okay. He tells you to go die in a storm.
So I cast the spells and they fuck off in a huff. Wizard just bails out without a word and the tiefling and the halfling split behind him. But Nutter is still sitting there sipping his drink, trying to look all innocent like but his hand is on his sword, like he’s waiting for me to drop my guard. So I grab Aspar and put him between me and him. Then the paladin grabs him and pulls him out. Mouthy just stands in the door and fires off some parting shot that screams “We fucked you”. So I told him off and he looked like I took the wind out of his sails.
Mike: You also notice some of the pirates follow you out.
Dan: Bring it, you dirty fuckers.
Mike: They aren’t attacking. They just seem to be making sure you leave.
Josh: Let’s just leave, okay.
Mike: Do you leave?
Dave: Yes. We go back to the boat and we leave this island before that cleric figures out what we’ve done.
Mike: Okay. You notice the captain is waiting by his boat, talking to someone. A halfling. Probably the harbour master.
Matt: I tell him that we’re leaving right now. And I lean in threateningly when I say that. I want him to understand that we need to go now.
Dan: So. What else did you take from that shrine?
Matt: Nothing of value. Obviously. I was hoping to get something for those robes. To make up for that fucking curse.
Rachel: “I just think you might be holdin’ out on us. Your friends. You ain’t holdin out on your friends, are youz?”
Matt: I just took the most valuable thing I could see. The robes. That’s it. Jeez.
Dave: “Are you sure that was a good idea?”
Matt: That pirate is a piece of shit and deserves what he gets. Now lets get out of here.
Chris: Rexal is going to say, “I think we should of killed him.” Then look around confused and mutter about pleasing Dark Gods.
Josh: Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Chris: Never mind. It’s not important. Let’s go.
Josh: I agree. Not with the rest of your weird stuff that you’re going on about. Let’s just get out of here.
Dan: Fine. But this isn’t over.
Mike: The ship uncouples from the dock and pulls out and you all say good bye to Marid’s Rock.
I mean, I was ready to call up everyone and just burn that fucking boat to the waterline I was so angry. The Admiral came in and I explained everything to him and he took one look at the robes and told me they were really cursed. Like I figured. But he also told me that their boat was flying Sargava flags so we could just kill them without a really good reason. Well, better than some passengers insulted me. Although we were pretty sure no one would care. But then The Admiral gave me this idea that was too good to pass up…
Mike: Unless there is anything pressing you want to deal with, the ship will sail towards Port Peril.
Dan: I think we’re good.
Mike: Okay. The ship is sailing…
Matt: I find a private place to work.
Mike: This is a crowded ship so and you are all sharing the one private room…
Matt: Okay, fine. I find a place on deck to work.
Mike: You know what? That’s a good idea. So the ship sails for a few hours. The sun sets and a meal is served. You are all chilling up on deck. Maybe you should place yourself on the map here.
Chris: Fuck. Combat map. That means we’re getting jumped. I’m going to be over here by the mast.
Dave: Ryroris will be standing over here by the front, getting drunk and trying on her different boots. Looking at which ones make her butt looks good.
Rachel: Marconi will be next to her. In his full armour. Sweating heavily.
Dave: Yeah, he is.
Josh: Myrius is going to over here meditating.
Dan: I think Ferik will be over by the railing here. Assuming whatever is attacking is going to come from below.
Matt: Decker will be sitting behind these ropes here. How many hours have passed since we started sailing?
Mike: About 4.
Matt: So I should be to regain all my spells then? And copy the rest into my book.
Mike: I’ll let you get your spells back and copy two of them. But you can’t pick those two as spells you currently know. Okay. The ship is sailing along and the man in the crow’s nest calls out that there is something following.
Dave: What do we see?
Mike: It’s a speck in the distance. Looks like something large flying towards the ship.
Dan: Can we tell what it is?
Mike: Not yet. Then the speck disappears and a… thing lands on deck. It just appears suddenly. It has surprise, I’m afraid.
Matt: What is it?
Mike: It’s an 8 foot tall vulture man who towers over everyone. It has multiple copies of itself shifting randomly around it. It casts it’s pitiless black eyes over the deck, holds out a large sack and screams “Stand and deliver! Give sparklies or die!” (rolls).
Josh: I cast Detect Evil. Is it evil?
Mike: Oh yes.
Dan: What is it? Can we attack it?
Matt: It’s a vrock.
Mike: Did you roll your Planes check?
Matt: I know what a fucking vrock is.
Dan: Can we fight it?
Matt: Yes. No. I don’t know. (rolls) I get a 26. What do I know about vrocks?
Mike: Demon. Big DR. Immune to electricity and poison. Resistant to everything else. Lots of Hit Points. Stunning screech. If given time it can summon up an electric storm. Shock trooper of the Abyss.
Dan: Can we fight it?
Matt: Maybe. Myrius is the only one who might be able to get passed it’s damage resistance, I think. What is the crew doing?
Mike: Well, it made it’s Intimidation check so the crew is scrambling to find money to put into it’s bag. Even the captain has gone to get the payroll to keep this thing happy. It looks at (rolls) Marconi and says “Put shiny into bag or you die”. It waves it’s sack at you threateningly.
Rachel: I tell it I don’t have any money.
Mike: It looks at you and tells you to put your sword in the bag. Or it’ll start killing people.
Dave: I get it’s attention and try to convince it to leave.
Mike: Make the Diplomacy check.
Dave: (rolls) I get a 13.
Rachel: I (rolls) help!
Mike: A 15 isn’t going to cut it. It shakes the sack again and demands the sword.
Dan: I move behind it so I can flank it. Then I attack.
Mike: What is everyone else doing before we roll initiative?
Matt: I ready my spells. It don’t know if we can win though. These things are tough.
Josh: I draw my axe and pray to my God.
Mike: Do you want to ask for anything in particular?
Josh: Victory in battle?
Mike: (rolls) Torag doesn’t answer.
Josh: Typical. Let’s do it.
(One short and violent battle later)
Mike: Josh, someone pours a potion down your throat. What kind of potions are you carrying?
Josh: Just 3 Cure Light Wounds.
Chris: Did we party wipe?
Dan: I’m bleeding out.
Dave: I’m nearly gone too.
Matt: Don’t ask.
Mike: Josh, (rolls) Myrius gains back 5 hp. Where does that put you?
Josh: I’m at zero hp.
Mike: Okay. You regain consciousness and the vrock is kneeling over you with the potion bottle in it’s hand.
Josh: It saved me? Great. Now what?
Mike: It orders the sailors to strip you guys of valuables. And they comply quickly. Everyone who needs to make Con checks should do so.
Chris: (rolls) I make it.
Matt: (rolls) Nope. I’m really close to dying here.
Dan: (rolls) Same. I’m gurgling out my last breath.
Dave: (rolls) I make it.
Rachel: (rolls) Nope. Still dying.
Josh: What is the vrock doing?
Mike: It holds out it’s bag and the sailors fill it with Myrius’ stuff. It holds up your magic shield, sniffs it, then throws it into the bag.
Josh: I use lay on hands on myself. (rolls) I get back 3 hp.
Mike: The vrock watches you as it snatches Decker’s bag out of the hands of one of the sailors. It looks inside, makes sure the laptop is there and then stuffs everything into it’s own bag. It also takes Marconi’s sword and Ryroris’ boots. All of your boots. Then it slides the orc head off of Rexal’s helmet and eats it.
Chris: Not my friend!
Mike: It also seems to not want to steal your stuff, though. It even tells the sailors to put another one of Myrius’ potions down your throat. Which they do. (rolls) Get back 6 hp.
Chris: Oh. That’s not good. It’s good that I’m not dead but it’s not good that it likes me. I’m still unconscious, though. So I don’t know any of this.
Mike: That leaves the three of you to make Con checks to stabilize. Good luck.
Rachel: (rolls) I make it. Whew.
Dan: (rolls) Still bleeding.
Matt: (rolls) Same. This is really close for me.
Dan: Too bad you can’t used that android heal thing again.
Josh: Can I heal them?
Mike: You move to them and the vrock simply continues it’s work but it is watching you. Do you continue?
Josh: I have no choice. (rolls) I heal Decker for 1 hp. Does that stabilize him at least?
Mike: Yes. And the vrock finally finishes stripping Ferik of his valuables. Then it takes the last potion and feeds it to him. (rolls) Get back 8 hp.
Dan: That puts me to zero.
Mike: Good. You now wake up to a vrock leering at you.
Dan: I look at it and tell it “You were ugly when I fell asleep and you’re even uglier now.”
Mike: (rolls) It laughs. “You funny”, it says…
Dan: “I try.”
Mike: It rummages through the bag and pulls out something from the bottom. “Here,” it says, “This for you.” It pulls out a wad of cloth and drops it on your chest.
Dan: What is it?
Mike: A familiar robe. “That yours,” it croaks as it takes to the sky. It circles once and laughs at you before flying off. “’Pleasure doing business with you’”, you hear it say inside your head, followed by a lot of demonic cackling.
Matt: My laptop. Are you kidding me? You took my laptop. This is totally unfair.
Mike: You know what other spells are on the list with Heal? Summon Planar Ally. It lets someone call an up to 12 HD outsider. I don’t know what you were expecting when you pissed off an 11th level Chaotic Neutral cleric.
Dan: That’s it. Turn this boat around. We’re going back to that island and killing that little son of a bitch…